polyvagal exercise for connection
In polyvagal theory, developed by Dr. Stephen Porges, the process of neuroception refers to the ways our autonomic nervous systems observe what's happening inside our bodies, in the environment outside of our bodies, and in connection with people around our bodies. This observational process is happening at all times, and is primarily going on without thought from us - neuroception "happens below the realm of conscious thought and outside of awareness".
Neuroception occurs to support our survival and is essentially the assessment of safety and danger. Although we may not be aware that neuroception is happening, we are likely attuned to the biological response that happens in our bodies. For example - a change in breathing, how the throat feels, a smile, or a frown.
An observation of safety can feel calm, grounded, and connected, while an observation of danger can feel like increased anxiety, a feeling of dread, and a feeling of disconnectedness from those around us. For folks who experienced an unpredictable or chaotic environment, the autonomic nervous system might be more protective and hyper-attuned to cues of danger. This can mean that a person's system might be in a state of perceived danger, even if the emotional environment might be safe.
Fortunately, we have the ability to work with the ways cues of danger and safety are observed to bring things back into alignment, connecting with feelings of safety and security. The first step towards this is through greater awareness of our own bodies and a deeper understanding of neuroception in ourselves.
In her book Polyvagal Exercises for Safety and Connection, clinician Deb Dana shares a helpful chart in understanding this concept. She uses the metaphor of a river to create the flow of a person's lived experience, starting with neuroception at the mouth of the river.
In this way, we can easily see how our own experiences, the environment around us, and the way our system is observing safety and danger can impact how we feel in our lives. How does it feel to check-in with yourself first "upstream", rather than way "downstream"?
Let's try an exercise developed by Deb Dana to increase safety and connection. This exercise is an excerpt from the book above and is called "Reflecting with Compassion".
The exercise draws on the tradition of Lovingkindness meditation, which comes from Theravada Buddhist Mettā meditation. These ancient practices have been used in Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction and Pain Management techniques developed in white, secular settings often divorced from meaningful connection to the cultural teachings and meaning of these practices. We can strive to work with individual emotional and autonomic responses while connecting with the systems, community, and spaces around us. We are all connected.
This type of meditation focuses on compassion for the self and compassion for others in order to engage with feelings of safety and security.
There are 4 foundational phrases in Lovingkindness meditation:
May I be happy
May I be healthy
May I be safe
May I live with ease
Dana's instructions include:
Look at the 4 categories (happy, healthy, safe, live with ease) through the lens of the autonomic nervous system. Find the words that are natural to you and create your own phrases that generate safety and peace.
Feel in your body how these phrases are experienced when you repeat them or say them out loud.
Say the phrases to yourself and then direct them towards others - "May you be happy, may you be healthy, may you be safe, may you live with ease". Start first imagining those close and connected to you, next, a neutral person, on to a person with whom you have a ruptured relationship, and then finally on to all living beings.
Say these phrases to someone else and have them say them back to you. Notice how it feels to give and receive these feelings and phrases in your body. Track your autonomic response.
Thinking of all of you!
Polyvagal exercises for safety and connection: 50 client-centered practices, Deb Dana; Stephen W Porges New York, NY : W.W. Norton & Company, Inc., (2020)