overextension of personal responsibility for the emotions of others
Empathy and Attunement
I am lucky to work with a lot of really caring, empathic people who are frequently attuned to the experiences of others around them. This is an amazing quality, a superpower. What we often find ourselves talking about, however, is the experience of being overly responsible for the anticipated emotional experience of others.
This can look like fear around emotional conflict, internal stories around perceived judgment from others, and a feeling that it is up to you to please everyone.
Connection and self-protection
There are a lot of reasons why folks might have a protective emotional response that impacts emotional connection:
Lived experiences involving difficult emotions or trauma
Past relationships with painful attachment
Experiences with oppressive systems and people
Fear around anticipated rejection or abandonment
Discomfort and worry around emotional intimacy and closeness
High emotional stakes around a relationship - fear and attempted control around potentially losing this connection
Relationships that required the adoption of a caregiver role at a young age
Creating meaning out of worry
When a feeling of safety and security is missing, it is nearly impossible to be open to emotional connections from others. When considering some of the experiences that can lead to self-protective impulses, it is easy to see this for what it is - a remarkable adaptive quality.
When folks are hyper-attuned to all the things they might need to protect themselves from, it can be difficult to see and feel the ways in which others might be open and available for connection.
A common scenario might include a catastrophic narrative about someone else's disappointment or unhappiness, even when that other party has given no direct communication to indicate that is how they feel.
Another typical protective response is the preemptive cut-off - perceiving rejection or bad behavior from the other person even when they didn't communicate that - and ending things with a fight or shutting things down before they can progress into a space of emotional closeness.
Caring for self-protection when it seems to get in the way of emotional intimacy
I feel really strongly that self-protection should not be pathologized in any way. It is survival and resiliency, it is a sign that bodies are doing what they are supposed to do. Additionally, there are many legitimately unsafe situations folks encounter, to suggest otherwise would be gaslighting.
With compassion and respect for this self-protective impulse as a starting point, there is also room to work with some of this protective instinct if it seems to be getting in the way of the types of relationships and intimacy folks are seeking.
As a brief thought exercise, recall the last time you noticed a strong reaction in yourself when in conversation with another person, someone you care about.
What was happening in that communication?
If you could identify an emotion you were experiencing at that time, what would it be?
What cues were you picking up on in the other person that let you know there was something to be upset about?
Were you feeling fear or anxiety? If so, name what you were afraid of.
What was the worst thing that could have happened at that moment?
What actually happened?
How did your body and/or mind try to protect you, if at all?
What cues existed that let you know that you could feel safe, even though you were feeling big emotions?
We can begin to attune ourselves to cues of safety, even when being aware of cues leading to a protective response. Allowing emotional intimacy at a rate and pace that feels safe and comfortable can be a really effective way to increase connection and decrease the focus on the emotions of those around us.
Thinking of all of you!