breaking up - override pain for pleasure?
Heartbreak
A breakup, the path to divorce - truly and absolutely the worst. The pain and grief of this parting can cause intense dysregulation and disrupts almost every part of life. When coping with such sorrow, it's normal to be faced with a series of choices - when to see the person you were once so intimately involved with? Would it feel good to text? Should one send an email with a full explanation of emotions? What is closure and does it require a phone call to that person you are missing so much? Do you need them to really, really understand just how angry you are? Would it feel good to have sex with someone else? Do you go to that dinner when you know they will be there, and if so, what do you wear?
Living through pain
The common thread in these questions is the pain felt in the aftermath of a loss. We can see the desire to combat this pain by connecting with that person who is so dearly and desperately missed.
As social beings, we coregulate to great effect on a regular basis. Closeness to friends, family, and loved ones is an incredible way to feel grounded, calm, supported - emotionally regulated. Community is hugely meaningful.
When we are talking about regulation - managing and responding to the emotions occurring within oneself - it's really important to acknowledge just how hard some of these emotions are to feel. Emotional pain can be tremendously devastating, and it is only normal, human, and adaptive to try to numb, heal, and dampen that pain.
When considering the series of choices above, it can help to question the function of emotional regulation in these moments.
Let's play out a scenario - the thought of texting the person you are missing is almost impossible to ignore, so present in your mind it's hard to focus on anything else. Potential reasons you've identified for the text - returning a favorite book, a generic check-in, a deeper explanation of a thing you said during one of the many breakup conversations that is haunting you. All of these are real and valid reasons to possibly send the text, but before doing so, let's try to identify the underlying emotion first.
Emotions that I often hear clients express at this moment - very relatable - are:
feelings of abandonment
fears of some type of forever-loneliness
an unsettled feeling that time has been wasted
In this scenario, it would be really normal and understandable to override these emotions to try to find some relief through a text. The question we want to ask ourselves is,
What do I want to do with these emotions?
What would help?
What feels aligned with who I am and what I want moving forward?
When we override, or repress, or ignore, some of the feelings we are having, the engagement that we have with our own regulation changes. We are not as attuned to what's actually happening, and that can lead to choices that might not feel the best for us outside of that one moment.
To be clear, I'm not really talking about any "right" or "wrong" when it comes to texting an ex - there is no right or wrong thing to do in these scenarios! I am talking about figuring out what feels best for each one of us in times of pain, sorrow, and bereavement, and how we can best regulate ourselves when it is extraordinarily hard to do so.
Self-determination of post-romantic relationship style
Societally, there are some standards for what post-romance relationships look like. The rules that go with these relationship examples are generally fairly narrow and limited.
While also paying really close attention to what feels regulating and healing, what might it be like to ask yourself what, in a perfect world, you would want your relationship with this person or persons to look like?
You get to decide what this looks and feels like, and honoring your own wisdom in this scenario is a wonderful way to continue listening to yourself, identifying and coping with your emotions, even when difficult, and moving forward into a new type of relationship with yourself and those you have been with.
Thinking of all of you!