the group chat responds to the “scheduled sex” prompt

Insights from a successful 'calendar queen' about the benefits of scheduled sex.

Key points

• Working together to schedule sex can build collaborative, joyful trust.

• By committing to a shared goal and sticking to it, rain or shine, intimacy deepens and fun increases.

• Scheduled sex is definitely not for everyone, but it can be really beneficial for many.

I was recently interviewed for an article about scheduled sex, so of course, I posted it on my book’s Instagram because I find that scheduled sex remains a hotly debated topic, and I wanted to see how people responded.

A few hours later, my group chat lit up.

This is because one of our friends is a famously successful "calendar queen."

She and her husband have been having scheduled sex for over a decade, and they notoriously never miss a session. Their commitment to the cause is nothing short of heroic. From the outside, her marriage seems to hit an enviable mix of steadiness and play.

Naturally, I asked if I could pick her brain. In all my years as a sex therapist, she’s the most experienced person I’ve met when it comes to scheduled sex.

If she ever decides to change careers, I genuinely think she has a calling.

An Interview With a Scheduled Sex Expert

Laura Federico: So, about how long have you been scheduling sex?

Calendar Queen: Over 13 years.

My husband and I have been having sex every Monday morning since early in our relationship (about two months). It began because, generally speaking, Monday mornings are hard. With tropes like a "case of the Mondays" used to describe the day, we figured there is one thing that makes everything better—having sex. So it kind of started as a joke that we would flip the script on Mondays. We did (and still do) say things like "the best part of the week." It became something we looked forward to.

Now, this arrangement worked for me because I like having sex in the morning—I'm a morning person. He is not a morning person, so back when, I had to get him up and moving in time for me to get my day started and get to work on time. Now that we have three kids who wake up before us and often come to wake us in the morning, our Monday mornings have changed. A few years ago, we had to move our Monday morning routine to Sunday night after realizing we no longer had time to fit it in.

LF: Do you feel like it makes your life better? What about your relationship?

CQ: It absolutely makes my relationship better. It ensures that we never go more than a week without having sex. Keeps us connected in that way. Some weeks it's the only time we do it, most it isn't, but either way, we know that we will never go too long.

LF: Do you think everyone would benefit from scheduled sex?

CQ: I don't know if everyone should be scheduling sex, but it is the marriage advice I give anytime I'm asked. I do think that sex keeps couples connected and happy. I am a big proponent for doing it even if you're "not in the mood." Anytime one of us suggests it and the other is like, "yeah, OK!" after it's over, we'll always say... "It's always a good idea." It was particularly good for us when the kids were little and we were tired and annoyed. We always started the week on a better foot. I will say that both people need to be committed. I believe the only weeks we have ever missed have been when I was recovering from childbirth. If we are physically in the same location, we stick to it. When we first started Monday mornings, we were both traveling for work, so we would get it in before we left.

LF: What about the criticisms that scheduling sex makes it boring?

CQ: I don't understand the idea that something has to be spontaneous to be fun and exciting. Knowing it's coming can be kind of sexy. We'll definitely make little jokes on Sundays.

LF: What do you want people who don't schedule it to know about scheduled sex?

CQ: You know when you're like—ugh, I hope he doesn't want to do it tonight? Maybe I can just get in bed and fall asleep quickly? But it's been a while, and I know I should... Having a schedule removes that from the equation because it's never been that long. For us, it's worked for a long time. It was not the answer to a problem (i.e., we aren't finding the time to do it as much as we'd like). I think it can be the answer for people. For me, it's a fun little tradition that we look forward to. I think it can work for any age and stage.

LF: How do people in your life feel about this? Jealous? You've achieved something pretty incredible.

CQ: We definitely get teased for it. We were on a family trip last summer, and one of the other women was up making breakfast on Monday. She was like—didn't want to interrupt your morning (wink wink, elbow elbow). Once in a while, I'll be out with the ladies and someone complains about her sex life—and will look at me and say, "I know you don't have that problem." I'm not sure if anyone is jealous, but I hope I've inspired others.

Collaborative Trust

After our interview, I received a few follow-ups from CQ. Her husband clarified that scheduling for Monday mornings means that they often have sex another time during the week on top of that. (This was accompanied by a YouTube clip of Jennifer Aniston in the 1999 movie Office Space wearing 37 pieces of “flair.”) In a voice note, CQ shared a next-day anecdote about colleagues who, over drinks, admitted they wished for more intimacy in their long-term relationships and found a surprising sense of hope in the idea of scheduled sex.

What really stands out to me about CQ’s experience, beyond how cool she is about the whole thing, is how she and her husband have used the container of scheduling to build years of collaborative, joyful trust.

By committing to a shared goal and sticking to it, rain or shine, they deepen their intimacy and have a ton of fun along the way.

Scheduled sex is definitely not for everyone, but it can be really beneficial for many.

Note: This is a consensual relationship without coercion or abusive power dynamics. Scheduled sex should never feel coercive.