how do you know when you get to feel good?

We each have our own system of evaluating how things feel for us. After working with so many incredible people who feel like they aren't doing "enough", it's apparent that many of these internal systems are simply not working.

How do you know if you get to feel good about yourself at the end of the day? What standards are you judging yourself against?

Let's look at "Sammy". Sammy values their friendships, would like to meet a partner who is looking for a more serious connection, and has goals in their current job as well as longer-term creative goals outside of their role right now. Sammy has coped with periods of anxiety, perfectionism, and depression for a lot of their adult life. Some days these feelings of anxiety or depression are higher and more present, and this means that routines, eating, interactions with others, and work look different.

Sammy finds that on these days, they are hypercritical about their value, feel they haven't "accomplished" anything, and get stuck in a mental loop about what they "should have" done. This leads to a bit of an emotional hangover, causing Sammy to have an automatic painful response to thoughts about how they look, act, and their choices for days after.

This overall feeling of dissatisfaction and shame means that Sammy declines social invites, doesn't feel up to dating, and isn't able to access pleasure.

Sammy is evaluating themselves according to a set of standards that don't really reflect their value or lived experience. Sammy is using ideas of productivity, "normal" emotions, and oppressive physical standards to see if they get to feel good.

If we shift this system of evaluation so that it is connected to the values and experiences that actually matter to Sammy, we get to change the entire narrative. On a day when Sammy is feeling anxiety and depression in a more present way, Sammy can feel good that they were able to tolerate something so challenging, and that had the strength and capacity to do so. Sammy understands that these feelings won't last forever, and commends themselves for having this skill. Sammy rewards themselves for supporting their values of kindness and understanding by adjusting their expectations for the day accordingly. Sammy knows that the food we eat doesn't define us, and sees the strength in a flexible mindset. Sammy is not shut off from the meaning around them. Combatting shame is hard and incredibly important work.

We all have automatic systems of judgment and evaluation. Is yours working? Is it based on external, socially sanctioned standards or is it about you? What does feeling good about yourself feel like in your body?