finding ourselves in quarantine

Being confined at home means just about everything in life is totally different. Outside of our obliterated routines, the way we regulate ourselves has completely changed. We are social beings, and we rely on engagement with others to help connect with the most important parts of ourselves, the parts of us who make us who we are. In isolation, we feel an absence, and some parts of our identities might be neglected. This can lead to a loss of meaning, purpose, and a shift towards nihilism. 

As our concerns have likely shifted in priority, we may notice that the ways we are coping with stress, trauma, and loss from Covid-19 have left us feeling less organized, less motivated, more fatigued and depleted. We can use our understanding of trauma to see that this generalized numbing or avoidant feeling is a response to this constant stress, and that a protective feeling of "meh" is our body and our mind trying to cope with the often overwhelming experiences of today by turning things down to neutral.Here is a useful framework to help guide us in finding our purpose, meaning, and connect with who we are in the midst of all of this:

• First, ask yourself - what are the most meaningful parts of who you are? If this is a challenge for you, as a starting point here are 5 common areas you may want to explore:

1. Erotic energy

2. Intellectual engagement

3. Creative expression

4. Community bonds

5. Spirituality 

• Turn some curiosity towards the ways you were able to engage these parts of yourself before the pandemic vs now.

• Introduce the idea that if we are not using these parts of ourselves that are intrinsic to our purpose, meaning, and how we embody our lives, our mood is likely going to be impacted, and we are probably going to struggle to feel regulated.

• Direct attention to how all of these parts of identity feel in the body.

• Consider some of the small ways we engaged these parts of ourselves when we were able to be social - erotic energy through eye contact, the way we acknowledge or inhabit our bodies when getting ready to leave home, what it feels like to listen to music on headphones while in a crowd. 

• Think about a new context for missing activities. For example, not being able to go to the gym is more than simply not having a space for exercise. What did that represent for you? What part of your experience were you engaging? Erotic? Community?

• How can we support you in accessing these parts of yourself on a daily basis? Instead of focusing on a to-do list based on attempts to replace former activities or productivity, let's understand the core of why these activities were important, and honor that in the ways we will structure your days now. 

• Process what isn't working with this framework - is using intellectual engagement to read Covid content and dissect this with others actually honoring the your identity? Or is this part of the you better used in other ways? 

• This can be really challenging, and simply coping with the community trauma and loss of Covid-19 is an enormous task. Adding anything to this can be a lot, and we want to acknowledge all your efforts with compassion and love.

Reframing the way we spend our time to reflect what is most meaningful - and reconnecting with purpose during a time in which we are coping with feelings of sadness, fear and a loss of control - can be a deeply powerful tool. Creating a new, thoughtful structure to understand and nurture these most important parts of ourselves without pressure around productivity can be freeing.

stability in the unknown of covid-19

There's a wide range of emotional responses that are totally valid in the face of so much change, and so much unknown.

The result of emotional overwhelm can feel like confusion and disconnection, and can make small decisions feel really big. Let's check in around some of the ways we can understand our emotional responses better.

1. What normally happens for you when faced with stress? What's your natural protective response? Fight, flight, or freeze? When do you notice this happening now?
2. What, if any, personal or familial associations with trauma, attachment or isolation might you have? Is this impacting how you feel right now?
3. We may handle acute vs sustained stress differently. What do you notice about how you feel emotionally and physically during a period of time without any immediate, in the moment, stress? Constant, lower level stress can also be depleting and be a sign for us to take some extra steps to take care of ourselves.

Learning to identify what's happening in our emotional responses helps us to respond to our needs and takes the power away from feelings that we may want to avoid or shove down.

We can demystify our feelings and take comfort in our ability to handle difficulty.

Plan to check in with yourself emotionally and physically in the morning, midday, and evening. Ask yourself what you need, how you can care for yourself, and identify any deeper reasons why you may be having the emotions that you are.

You absolutely are able to understand and take care of yourself, even when things feel overwhelming. Let's ground ourselves in this knowledge, take comfort in our connection to ourselves, and visualize the strength that we carry within us, always there when we need it.

quick sex resources

Finding good sexual resources can be challenging! Here are a select few:

BOOKS 

1. The Ethical Slut 3rd edition 

2. Come as You Are 

3. The Ultimate Guide to Sex and Disability

4. Opening Up

5. The Ultimate Guide to Kink

6. Becoming Cliterate

7. Healing Sex

8. Anal Pleasure and Health

9. Urban Tantra 2nd edition

10. Polysecure

SHOPS

Spectrum

Nox

Unbound

Enby

Come As You Are

Smitten Kitten

Please NY

ETHICAL, FEMINIST PORN

Crash Pad

Queer Porn TV

Make Love Not Porn

Beautiful Agony

Indie Porn Revolution 

AORTA films

I Feel Myself

For pain with penetration   

OHNUT

Ohnut is an intimate wearable that can help you manage and potentially reduce pain during sex by allowing you to easily customize how deep penetration goes.

Difficulty relaxing during oral sex - solo exploration for womxn 

Lelo Ora 3

Lelo Ora 3 recreates the sensation of oral sex, or, to be more exact, someone running their tongue in circles, designed for use with a clitoris. 

Great toy for all genders and genitals 

PicoBong Transformer

The Transformer offers millions of sex toys in one - a clitoral massager, a cock-ring, a G-spot stimulator, a prostate massager and more. It’s a double-ended vibrator. Or a vibrating double-ended dildo. And more.

For folkx with less sensation in genitals, fun with anal stimulation 

B-vibe rimming plug 2

A great place to start with anal pleasure, designed for all genders and also comes in a petite option for different body sizes. 

Gender Affirmation

gender expression gear

Nox

Tool Shed

GENERAL INFO 

Lube guide 

Guide to exploring porn

Choose a body safe toy

How to pick a toy

Options for penis stimulation 

an excerpt - Breathwork series + audio

Changing the way we breathe can have a major impact on how we feel emotionally. Our bodies and minds cope with enormous amounts of stress and pressure on a daily basis. Connecting with the healing, calming part of our bodies - the parasympathetic nervous system - can help increase the strength and resilience of our stress response system.

This series is going to introduce you to accessible ways to work with your breath to create a positive impact on your mental well being.

Today, part 1 focuses on mental stimulation, clarity and energy. There are many routes to focus and energy through breath. I've chosen the "Ha" breath as an easy 1 or 2 minute practice. Try this when feeling:

- sluggish, low in mood or energy
- finding difficulty with focus and concentration
- disconnected from your power
- questioning your strength
- discouraged or tired

Breathwork Audio

visualization + breathwork

Today we learn how to help move breath and stress through our bodies using visualization.

This can be used with most breathwork methods, and is also a great tool to access at any point during the day.

Visualization Audio

1. Get into a comfortable position, seated with back straight, or lying down
2. It can help to close your eyes to feel more relaxed
3. We will practice this visualization with the coherent breath, 5 breath per minute, pace
4. Breathe gently in and out through your nose
5. Imagine a wave of water or light moving inside of you.
6. Focus all your attention at the top of your head as you breathe in.
7. Next focus all of your attention to the base of the spine, down through your body, and out through the bottom of your feet as you breathe out.
8. Imagine this wave of light or water moving through you with your breath.


Close your eyes, and notice what has happened in your body, and how you feel.
Amazing work!

—

I’m always here for you for support, or if you have any questions.

what is a sex-positive therapist?

People often ask me questions about how to find the right therapist, and I usually get a follow-up question about how to find someone who is open and affirming of sexual expression.

Fearing judgment is a totally normal response to the thought of talking about our sexuality with a stranger. It can take a lot of resolve to talk openly about some of the thoughts, feelings, fantasies, and desires we have, things we have possibly never shared with anyone.

Being able to talk about sexuality with our therapist is super important, and a good way to help understand a therapist’s approach to sexuality is by the way each therapist describes their style. I am a sex-positive therapist. The term sex-positive ultimately signals a safe and affirming place, but it means a few things in particular:

1. A commitment to being well-educated about sexual health and providing accurate and non-judgmental information

2. Consensual sexual expression is treated as a positive, healthy part of life, in the many diverse preferences people have, and seeking and finding pleasure is encouraged

3. Inclusive acceptance, respect, and an embracing of the multitude of amazing relationship expressions that feel good for each individual

4. Affirming of all sexual, gender, body, and relationship identities, expressions, and experiences

5. A deep respect for each individual’s ability to choose

6. Ability to talk about and embrace porn, sexual fluidity, non-monogamy, sex work, masturbation, kink, BDSM, sex toys, etc without pathologizing

7. An acknowledgment of the impact of oppressive sex-shaming, sex-phobic culture and ability to provide a perspective outside of the systems of power that focus on the male, mono, cis, hetero point of view

8. Goes beyond body positivity - the exploration of body liberation, body neutrality

9. Encourages sexual exploration and curiosity as a beautiful and valuable part of life!

If you are experiencing any judgment or fear when it comes to your sexual expression, I’d encourage you to embrace your desires with love and curiosity and to connect with sex-positive resources as it feels right.

your potential is infinite + a journaling exercise

Perfectionism and imposter syndrome go hand-in-hand. This self-doubt blocks us from truly accessing our intuition, love, and endless potential to reach others in this life. My clients often express frustration in connecting with their purpose, their greater meaning. It can be incredibly easy to become disconnected from our inner wisdom in our busy and competitive lives.

Do you let yourself dream big? At what point do you stop your thoughts from expressing your desires? Try to allow yourself 10 minutes today to connect with your dreams, and I genuinely mean fantasy - focus on expansion. You have an infinite amount of potential in you, and the ways you can reach others in this life are endless. I believe in you.

As a helpful exercise, identify an inspirational place you can easily visit in your day. Schedule 15-30 minutes in this space, allowing yourself to walk and absorb the energy around you. Bring a journal or something to write with and do some free sketching, first with your dominant and next with your non-dominant hand. See what it feels like to connect with your creativity and intuition - although you may not always be aware of it, this is always a part of you, and is always with

sleep is a mystery - 2 ways to help fall asleep and stay asleep

Body scan to calm the body and mind It can feel incredibly challenging to slow down our thoughts at the end of the day, and to find a sense of calm. Our bodies and minds are part of the same whole, and when our minds are busy, our bodies are not relaxed. Sleep can feel difficult when we are in this space of arousal.

Add a body scan to your nightly routine, as a way to calm your body and mind. Start at your feet and work your way up your body, gently paying attention to each part. As any thoughts of the day work their way into your mind, simply redirect your attention to your body. This is an easy way to decompress and ease your way into sleep. 

1. Remember the reason why you are calling lights out It is totally valid to crave time to ourselves after the end of a grueling day. This may be watching our favorite TV show, listening to a motivating podcast, seeing friends, doing some insta scrolling. Unfortunately, these methods of unwinding often creep into the time we need for rest and recovery.

   If we don't remember the WHY when it's time to say goodbye and start our nighttime routine, we may feel resentful, frustrated, or simply avoid bedtime altogether. It's important to remind yourself that the reason you are setting limits is because of true self-care, self-respect, and self-compassion.

   Remembering that good sleep hygiene is a major sign of self-love is a pretty great motivator to get into bed at a time that feels right for you.

CATASTROPHIZING + COGNITIVE DISTORTIONS WTF - 3 simple ways to combat a catastrophic thought

Catastrophizing is a type of negative, irrational thought that can influence how we feel, behave, and interact with others in our everyday lives. These irrational thoughts are called cognitive distortions, and one of the most common distortions is catastrophizing. 

Catastrophizing is anticipating the worst-case scenario in any given situation. When we are operating in a space of anxious, low, and black-and-white thinking, we can interpret a manageable situation as a total catastrophe.  

These types of thoughts can surface at any time, to anyone, however, when we are feeling anxious, vulnerable, or low, these thoughts may become more frequent and feel more difficult to challenge. You absolutely have the power to recognize, engage with, and change these types of thoughts. 

Here are 3 simple ways to combat a catastrophic thought. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and Mindfulness Stress Reduction show us proven ways to engage with these types of thoughts, to bring us back to the present. 

• Socratic challenge. Ask yourself about the evidence for this catastrophic belief. Is there enough? If there isn't, challenge this thought and bring yourself back to your present. 

• Body scan for grounding. When we are in a space of anxiety, we often become detached from ourselves and our reality. Do a quick body scan for grounding, start at your feet and work your way up. Remind yourself of your strength, value, and worth. 

• The BFF check. Ask yourself what you would tell your friend who was in a similar scenario. Chances are you would talk them off the ledge and remind them of their options and their value. Be your own best friend in this scenario.

CAPITALISM AND OUR BODIES + BODY LIBERATION MEDITATION

I am loving Virgie Tovar's essay in the 2018 vol 1 Many Moon's Workbook, Your Body is a Metaphor for the Cosmos! She also includes a meditation which is seriously amazing.

One of the more frequent conversations I have with my clients is around body image, worthiness, value, and desirability.

Challenging and subverting the pervasive ageist, racist, sizeist, sexist, ableist, show-your-strength-through-dieting-and-restriction, definition of desirability is not easy. We've internalized these messages our entire lives, and deconstructing and understanding this for each of us individually takes time. 

Misogynistic diet culture's promise to bring happiness with weight loss fuels a power dynamic in which food becomes our enemy, our greatest temptation, the thing keeping us from living our lives. It's up to us to prioritize body liberation in our lives and to fight the oppressive narrative we live in.

This is an unfair burden, and it can be tiring and can feel sad to do this type of work. It requires strength and stamina, but we absolutely can reclaim our bodies and our experience of beauty. We ask ourselves, “who is making money from this self-critical thought?” Let's support each other in this fight! 

Here is Virgie’s meditation:

“There’s a mindfulness/grounding practice I love that reconnects us to our body through touch and gratitude. You’ll need anywhere from 5 – 30 minutes, your favorite oil (I recommend rose oil for its heart-healing properties), and a quiet place. You can sit down or lie down for this practice, and I recommend either being naked or wearing only underwear. Cover your hands in oil. You can start anywhere on your body that you’d like or—if you prefer direction—start at your head. Try to touch every part of yourself: face, neck, shoulders, arms, chest, belly, thighs, calves, and feet. Say a small gratitude to each part. (“Thank you, feet, for carrying me. Thank you, hands, for letting me write letters to my favorite humans.”) Pay special attention to the parts of yourself you have a difficult time loving or accepting. When you reach those emotional spots on your body, spend extra time touching and massaging that part of you. In addition to offering a small gratitude, repeat to yourself: “This part of me is beautiful. This part of me makes me whole.” Familiarize yourself with the terrain of your skin, scars, lumps, bumps, treasured nooks, and even well-tread territory. Let yourself feel whatever comes up—delight, grief, wonder, anger. Our bodies hold all of this, and some parts of us hold more memories than others.

End with five deep breaths. As you breathe in and out, revel in the alchemical duality of your body as both something vast and infinitesimal. Revel in the fact that the elements that comprise your body are the same elements that comprise the planet and the worlds beyond.”